Rusty Peen’s News Briefs January 21, 2024

Exploding toilets, Jews digging tunnels, and fish streakers! It’s Rusty Peens Comedy News Briefs!

What's up, bud? Welcome to The Alternative Writer. I'm Rusty Peen, and here comes the news.

Dude, in New York City, a secret tunnel was discovered underneath a synagogue in Brooklyn. And in case you don't know what a synagogue is, that's a Jew church.

Dude, apparently some of the most devouted worshippers built the tunnel as a way of expanding access.

And when the synagogue officials heard about it, they tried to fill in the tunnel with cement, but they were met with protests from the tunnel people, and then the cops showed up, and that's when people started punching the crap out of each other.

Dude! This isn't the best bad idea ever. Those secret tunnel worshippers? They could have made a ton of money. Dude, New Yorkers are always looking for some experiential thing to post onto their Instagrams. Secret brunch? Secret subway tunnels? Dude, do you know how many people would wake up early in the morning to get a cronut and stand in line to a secret tunnel at a Jew church?

Well, anyway, apparently now the structural integrity of the building has been compromised because of the tunnel. Well, no shit. You got a bunch of do-it-yourself rednecks like King of the Hill making some sort of Shawshank Redemption secret tunnel in their basement. Of course it's going to mess up the building. Dude, you don't got to be an engineer to know that one.

Moving on. In Florida, a dude is suing Duncan because of an incident involving an exploding toilet.The guy went in to use the bathroom and he walked out covered in feces, urine, and debris and was told by Duncan's staff that they were aware of the problem as it had occurred before.

According to the guy's lawyer, the guy sustained bodily injury requiring mental and counseling. And now when he goes to the toilet, he has to sit on a donut.

A dude in Alabama crashed his car outside of a pro bass shop and did a cannonball into the giant aquarium. He swam around for about five minutes before the cops showed up. He got out of the tank, yelled at the cops, jumped back in, and he was finally apprehended when he fell over the side of the tank trying to get out of the cage.

Dude. If you are getting that close to a fish, you're probably trying to do something nasty to it. Just be like a normal person. Use a dating app.

There's all sorts of apps for this kind of thing. There's plenty of fish, flounder, monger. That's three right there, bud. There's got to be more. Just don't make it so hard on yourself.

And finally, the U.S. Federal Highway Administration is changing its rules and putting a stop to humorous signs seen along the highway.

This means the end of signs like, visiting in-laws, slow down, get there late, and driving fast and furious. That's ludicrous.

You want to know what's ludicrous? You don't even know how to spell ludicrous. That's what's ludicrous. Apparently the Highway Commission thinks that these signs are too distracting and too full of pop culture references.

Dude, this is just further proof that the United States has lost its sense of humor.

And that's all the news that's fit to peen. I'm Rusty Peen, your alternative writer.