Duane Scott Cerny’s News Briefs January 7, 2024

Now that we’ve said goodbye to 2023, there’s so much news to catch up on…

And speaking of ketchup, former Republican Congressman and unquenchable thirst trap Adam Kinzinger claims that Donald Trump smells of “armpits, ketchup, and a butt”.  

Adam Kinzinger

May I have “Disgusting Presidential Smells for a Thousand, Alex?” Any smells from Trump are immediate Double Jeopardy! Lesson: Always pass the ketchup BEFORE you pass the gas.

Ketchup Bottle

In International news, a Taiwanese tourist was detained by security at the Bangkok airport after he was found to be smuggling two Asian otters and a prairie dog in three socks taped into his boxer shorts.

Four otters

Multiple large, moving bulges beneath the man’s waistband resulted in his arrest and an update to his OnlyFans page. As all gay bears know, there are better ways to get an Asian Otter into your pants.

Otters in a man's pants

It seems we can’t do a News Briefs without a Florida story:

Tampa Bay Time Logo

The Tampa Bay Times recently invited readers to submit state-wide grievances to be published in celebration of Festivus, the holiday introduced on Seinfeld.

Happy Festivus image with Kramer

Unsurprisingly, many LGBTQ+ folk complained about book banning, the treatment of transgender children, and Ron DeSantis’s terrible wardrobe choices. Those white boots were made for walking—and that’s just what they’ll do—but not to the White House, Ron!

Ron DeSantis in White Boots

And finally, an Ohio man claims he found a crack pipe inside his McMuffin—the McDonald’s breakfast sandwich.

McDonalds McMuffin

Sadly, this was not a new menu item as the McRib fulfills McDonald’s toxicity quotas. (Sorry, Rocco) Public health officials temporarily closed this location citing the use of crack pipes are permitted only if your exotic dancer name is actually McMuffin. Or Cinnamon Bun. Or Happy Le Meal. Or Fallopia.

Crack Pipe

And that’s the news… in my briefs.

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Rocco Zamboni’s News Briefs January 12, 2024

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Ambers Halloween Comedy News Briefs with Pumpkins Caskets and a Beheaded Jesus!